A chancer with a fondness for small wooden things and decent threads sets out to make his fortune in the world of antique dealing.

Monday, 6 February 2012

Lovejoys - A Spotter's Guide

Well, January became February in interesting fashion with continued e-baytrayals, a couple of write-offs and one huge breakthough. I'm going to do a full write-up once E-bay has sent me the commission bill. I'll also knock together a rough strategy plan for my next steps, to avoid the pitfalls engendered by my inability to use E-bay properly. I think there's a knack to it or something. Like butchering an octopus.

In the meantime, I thought I'd pay tribute to the fourth-wall-breaking, dodgy-dealing, posh-nobbing, mullet-headed* scam-scamp whose exploits I seek to emulate. Now, we all know about the man himself. I won't repeat his finest moments here, but will provide some juicy quotes from the man's Wikipedia page:

- "The lechery and violence in the novels was toned down for television".
- "The episodes were based on a series of picaresque novels by John Grant (under the pen name Jonathan Gash)".
- "Lovejoy has a reputation in the antiques trade as a "divvie".

That last one isn't just in there to tick off the Rule of Three. It's actually the key to understanding Lovvers and his true glory. Now, 'divvie' is antiques slang for a dude who can just tell what's what and sense a bargain piece from out of nowhere. However, what most people don't clock is that it is also an ancient Persian word for a powerful oasis-dwelling spirit. These spirits, while few in number, were able to incarnate as various avatars during their long lifespans and through this they became possessed of vast knowledge.

Tell you what though, to prove my point, here are three of Lovejoys other incarnations, subsequent and previous:

After centuries of manifesting as warlords and serious tribal elders, Lovejoy first came to earth in female form in the last 1860s. He took the name Esther Clason Pohl Lovejoy. In this form, our loveable rogue took matters into his own hands and set about championing the role of women in medicine. He was deep into his women's suffrage during this time, and helped to establish the American Women's Hospitals. He also busted out some important medical scholarships at the University of Oregon's Medical School. Above all though, he also found time to rock almost unfeasibly rad headgear, like the item seen here. He was so fucking hip during this period that foxes would come running over and try choke a fool.

The reason that he was so fly when he was ECP Lovejoy was the thirty-five years he'd spent as one Elijah Parish Lovejoy, toiling in some pretty straight threads. He had other shit on his mind all that time, though. He had some slavery to shut down. He fired up an abolitionist printing press. A mob set fire to it. He did another one. They cooked that too. He had another go. They burned that shit down. He moved somewhere else and threw up a new one. They shot him dead. It was pretty rough for old Lovvers at this point in history. To make matters worse, all the antiques were brand new, so nobody wanted to shell out for them. He was depressed.

During the latter part of the Twentieth Century, Lovejoy was confronted once again by the forces of evil. Using his divvie senses, he divined the gross and corpulent expansion of our nation's favourite game, and resolved to fight it at every step. Taking the form of a rotten little goblin lad, he sought to undermine and topple the sport by fostering an elaborate lattice of bone-ignorance around it. Lovejoy was greatly admired during this time and was thwarted in his grand undertaking only by the the BBC's Delivering Quality First cuts, which managed to trap him in the oubliette of Saturday morning television before casting him out. He was a hero during this time, but I couldn't find any images of him without 'twat' written on them.

So there you go. A few of the faces of this powerful being throughout the ages. Actual selling stuff will resume next time I do a post, hopefully. Sorry about all this.

* "Lovejoy's mullet hairstyle is a common target in parodies of the show. However Ian McShane has a short cut in the first series and cuts the locks well before the final series revival" (Thanks, Wiki. Sorry for leaving you out of the cool list up there. I thought you deserved your own footnote, that's all).

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