How did I become a millionaire you ask? Well it's a long story...

Well then. As my 30th year draws to a close, I feel that it's time to finally learn a trade. I have discounted millinery, blacksmithing and animal husbandry. After a Christmas spent watching Antiques Roadtrip and year upon year of soaking up my mother's vintage wisdom, I'm going to give it a go.

When it comes to collecting, I've dabbled very modestly, with a small crop of African masks and a burgeoning stable of Japanese netsuke to my name. These have been gathered as presents and occasional purchases, but now the plan is to buy 'nice pieces' to sell for a profit. Here's the plan:

Start off with a £100 pot, from which to pick up some small bits and bobs that I reckon I can sell on for more than I shell out. Simple stuff. I'll be gunning around the country in some convertible sports car in no time, can't wait. I can't drive, mind.

So far, I've dented my starting budget with a sweep of the charity shops in St John's, Worcester. I'll post details of these later on today. In the meantime, I've got to learn the lingo of this most crusty/louche of professions. I've got a couple of gems that should see me through:

- "It's got to wash its face."

Not a reference to the mud-caked clay doorstep in the shape of a bulldog that I will surely pay a song for at somepoint. This means that an item must pay for itself. Don't sell for a loss. More of this soon when I quiz my mum for her top 10 tips.

- "Harry Brand Spankers."

Or HBS for short. This means something is in fact NOT an antique (or even vintage) and is brand new, therefore not worth as much as you thought when you spotted it. Sample usage: 'look at the date, it's HBS'. Saying this will increase my poshness by 6%, which is crucial in this line of work.

- "A nice piece".

It goes without saying that I'd normally only say this when referring to a firearm or a woman's bottom, or when doing a jigsaw. Now I'm licensed to say it about anything from a dining chair to a Royal Doulton toilet. It's going to be a bit of a stretch to begin with. Not sure if I can get away with it yet. I'll start off small and only say it about small things, quietly.

-"It's got legs".

Normally I'd only say this when referring to a woman's bottom...etc... This means that something isn't necessarily underpriced, but does have the potential to make a bit of money. Not just wash its face, you see. It's got legs right, so it can walk to the bank or something. You can say it about chairs, tables, toy animals and stuff if you want. The joke will wear pretty thin though. I'll say it tomorrow.

- "That's all the money."

A favourite phrase for rappers who are well-spoken but still jiggy. This is the opposite of having legs, because it means that the asking price for a piece (getting the hang of this shit now) doesn't leave any room to make a profit on it. Sample usage: 'That is nice, and it's not damaged. How much is it?' 'It's twenty-five quid.' 'Oh forget it, that's all the money.'

I'm not going to deploy any of these in the same sentence or I'll be rumbled as a charlatan.

More news soon on my first crop of purchases. For now though, I'll leave you with my muse and primary inspiration. You know in Vicar of Dibley when Frenchy asks the little picture of Jesus what she should get up to? It's going to be like that except I'm not licensed to perform marriages, and it won't be a picture on the wall, obviously. It'll be a tatoo on my thigh.