My Mum's Top Ten Tips

Tomorrow it's up at the crack to head out to the Three Counties Show ground to see if I can pick up some real genuine antiques, or old things at least*. With that in mind, I've asked my mum for her advice on dos and don'ts when frittering one's savings on tat and trying to flog it on:

1. It's got to wash its face - Don't be tempted to let something go for less than you paid for it, even if it's been hanging around for a while. Unless you've got a load of cash tied up in it then just wait it out and eventually you'll shift it.
2. Know what you paid - Geek up and keep a note of what you paid for each piece and how much you think it's worth. Note down what you sell it for as well, y'know, cos it's fun.
3. Never buy anything damaged - No matter how cheap it is. If you're haggling based on a chip or a stain, you shouldn't be buying at all. Damage, even a little nibble, will massively reduce the price that something goes for, even on really nice, really old items.
4. Go for collectibles - People like to get lots of the same thing, especially when that thing's got no obvious use or purpose. Toys, egg cups, spoons...all that lot. If it's small and cute and numerous, someone wants it. I've spent too long arguing about the word 'Spidermans' to doubt this.
5. Animals sell - Following on from the last point, animals are collectible as hell. Dogs, cats, frogs, pigs...god, pigs are the bosses when it comes to this kind of thing. You can't go wrong. I'm going to list some more: ducks, elephants, sheep, fish, hellbenders. Actually no, that's a bit optimistic; I've never known anyone who collects ducks.
6. Go for things you like the look of - Easy one this, but easy to overlook too. Trust your gut, basically. You have to trawl through so much tat that when something stands out, it's worth having a fondle of. If you've got good taste, you can sell to people with good taste.
7. Don't buy brass or silver - Counterintuitive! But there's a reason for both. Apparently people can't be bothered to polish brass these days. Shire horses are screwed! But yes, folks are lazy. As for silver, it's always popular but supply and demand means it's pricier than ever. My great uncle was a silversmith and I regret not pestering him for cast-offs when I was a toddler. Poor planning on my part.
8. 50s and 60s are in. Victoriana is out - The 50s were basically a decade when design, especially in the UK just went awesome. 90% of all good plastic things were made in the 50s, and next to it the 60s were a bit gaudy but who am I to argue? Poor old Victorians though. Who'd have thought that black lacy mourning dress would ever lose popularity. That's what they all wore, yeah? Oh and top hats. Hang on, this can't be right...
9. Don't be afraid to haggle a motherfucker up - In fact, it's compulsory if you want to make any money ever. Don't be too polite and don't pay what's on the label. They've only put it on there for a joke anyway. Punters will hand the cash over but if you want to be serious then it's a kind of badge of honour to chop quids off what you pay. Every pound you knock off the price is a pound profit, in theory.
10. If you think it's shit, it is probably shit - In other words, don't worry too much about the label or the make or how old something is. If it looks ghastly, put it back. Otherwise you're narrowing your market down to people with no taste and vast pockets, who are few and far between. The only caveat is: weird stuff is rare stuff and rare stuff sells. So weird and shit aren't the same thing. Thank god.

Thanks mum! Armed with that knowledge, I'm going to venture forth for my first ever experience of buying to sell in the misty Sunday morning sanctum of the big barns of Malvern.

* stuff has to be 100 years old to be an antique, so 1912 or older. That reminds me, apparently one in five babies born today will live to be an antique. Buy them now while they're cheap.