Slimmer's Plate

I mean, this is mental. It's a plate with a bunch of food on it. Not unusual, you might think. Except the food's not food! It's pictures of food, all marked up with the calories per ounce. So you're supposed to eat your dinner off it and shift the food around the plate trying to find the required reference image. Surely it's too late by then? If you've made your butter cheese thingumy and are sitting down to swallow it, you're not going to bin it when you realise it's 340 cals an ounce.

So what's in the lead then? Healthwise, you've got your usual suspects: apples are 15, some incongruous strawberries are 10 and good old lettuce is in there with 5 cals per ounce. However, it is next to the cheese, so some of that may have wiped off on it, invalidating its score.

In the gut-fuzzing stakes, it's the aforementioned butter in top spot on 225, closely followed by bacon on 155 and something kind of indeterminate next to the sausages, which is 120. If I knew what a twinkie was then I might speculate that it's a twinkie.

All this twinkie chat indicates that I'm struggling to date this piece. I'd struggle to date twinkies, too. Wikipedia is having a righteous lockout today and I'm refusing to look anything else up in a gesture of rather tentative solidarity. Hang on though, twinkie sounds as though it might be slang for something. I'm just going to look it up (sorry, wikifolks)...

...so 'twinkie' also means an 'Asian' (I think as in western, central or east Asian) person who's 'culturally white' or a young attractive gay man with no nutritional content. Can of worms here, although I can still say that I've not dated a twinkie, in any sense of the word.

Anyway, I spotted this on a glassware stall that was having a 25% off sale (it's not glassware, deal with it) so I was able to knock them down another 25% from the initial £10 and get it for £5. At £10 it would have struggled to wash its face but at £5 there's a chance for a modest return as long as there are other people out there with a taste for completely bonkers pottery. You've got to hope that there are, right? Come on, this country digs Grayson Perry so hard.

Bought for: £5

Hopes: defiant

Profit: £££

Actual Cheddar: ££